Well…I feel like I’ve gone and done “it” now…
Hope all is well in your world!
Me…well…as the saying goes…I’m hanging in there.
And I don’t particularly like that saying…because I want my life to be more than hanging in there.
So why say it…THIS time…
Why else…A man!
Me…this cool chica…crazy…goo-goo over a man? Impossible! She says with indignation.
So…it’s sometime after 3am and sometime before 5am (I don’t want to look at the clock because it makes me sleepy in the morn – when I have to get up by 7 a.m.)
So here’s the long and short of it… (And of course with me – you know it will be more long than short..:)
Here it is...
I think I mentioned I thought it was time to get rid of …let go of "him." Why…because it didn’t feel like he was fulfilling an ideal role in my life as a dating "partner". What a word…"partner" for someone I’ve only been on a few dates with (although he said he wants to see more of me...ha ha...pun intended).
So I could name the things that were wrong with him…many of which could be summed up as…Not being polished enough
As if I'll ever be asked to an audience with The Queen or President for that matter. However, I feel I do have a certain etiquette about myself (how snobbish is that?). Well not sure where he grew up (n Europe), but let’s just say I’m used to a man opening a door for me (how unimportant is that?) And then there's the money thing…his job as a Landscaper – not an Architect - as he said he was trained – and thus - we never went on a real date in the six weeks we've been seeing each other. And knowing he doesn't make a lot of money as a Landscaper – I would have been looking for the cheapest thing on the menu – never been in that situation before (and how important is that?).
But last but not least, there’s the matter of the “boudoir” (is that the French spelling for bedroom?). Anyway although we've only had two hot and heavy escapades, episodes, "experiences" in the back of his minivan…neither was ever very strong on the “heavy” part! As they say…he just couldn’t “cut the mustard” (or in his case…he didn't have a "green thumb") yeah I know it's an awful pun.
So Johanna, let me try to wind it up/down...
He was set to visit my place finally; and actually I’ve been looking forward to this since we met.
He wants to come over and do movies together – alone – he and I in my place – alone - all intimate like…”us”…alone! (huh?)
Yes, I do want to see him…but…What? What? What?
My place is small and if he (or any man for that matter) is here…it’s going to be intimate –one way or another; (which speaks to the fact that I’ve only had two men in my place in 7 years - both men I was engaged to marry).
Thus, I start thinking, "Why haven’t I been to YOUR place Fean? You've been saying you're going to clean it up for me so that I could visit you. Well I’ve been in out of the city twice and back - and you've still not asked me over to your place. But you want to come and make yourself at home in my place.
I didn't like that idea. So I got resentful and decided this would not work for me; I deserve better from a "partner" at this point in my life - I deserve better!
And let's not forget that "green thumb" thing (even he acknowledged in a brief – but straight-forward conversation), ”My friend takes THAT blue pill but we Europeans don’t believe in that because even if nature doesn't work, there are other ways…but not a pill,” he said proudly.
Well dog-gone it! What are the other ways Fean? And when do you plan to put them in action!” (I thought, but of course I didn’t say any of that).
But guess what Johanna...I never gave him a chance to answer - literally or figuratively. I called off the date. Wrote a nice “Dear John” email, saying “You’re nice and all. but we’re in different places…want different things…a different relationship… blah…blah...blah” - and then I avoided his calls. It was over - at least for me. I was cured. Case closed on (or so I thought).
And then he wrote me back a few emails. "What are you talking about? You have not given me a chance to get to know you. You are always so busy. Since we met you are here…there…everywhere…busy! How could we even have a chance?” he proclaimed.
His response surprised me - a lot because I didn’t think he cared as he said in his email (and in fact the last phone call we had). "I do care” and I want to spend more time with you, he stated genuinely.
Yeah…yeah…yeah…whatever, I thought when he said that.
But then after I listened to his voice mails, read a few of his emails (asking me to call him so we could talk) - I started feeling strange and started thinking about him....hmmm...really thinking about him..
I didn’t like thinking about him and not knowing why I was thinking about him. I didn’t like thinking about not laughing with him…didn’t like thinking about not listening to him talk about something like he knows everything… didn’t like thinking about what he might be doing…didn’t like thinking if he was online with someone…didn’t like thinking of never seeing him again…didn’t like the feeling of not being touched by him…didn’t like that I am now in MY PLACE and he's not here with me…didn’t like missing the sound of his funny European accent (wonder how I sound to him...LOL)....in short Jo… I didn’t like not being with him...even though I told him I didn't want to be with him (anymore).
Johanna - I'm crazy?
What was I thinking? What have I gone and done now? He’s a nice guy…sweet, funny, kind, pleasant, works (hard), offers to take me to the airport, offers to help me around the house, calls when he says he will, shows up when he says he will…and seems to be the loyal type (for what that’s worth in a non-committed-not-even-relationship-yet) kind of way…and Jo...I LIKED him…a lot!
So what’s wrong with me Johanna?
Afraid of intimacy...there...I admitted.
To myself and God…and now to you. Have been for a long time (and yes…I know the blah…blah…blah…Freudian/Jungian psychobabble reason(s) why).
So then I back-paddled. I wrote him another, different kind of email.
Hey…I still haven’t resolved ‘my stuff’ about us…but would like to move past it…try again. Would you like to come over tonight?
Dang! was that an obvious move on my part...or what? Well, by now the damage is done - what do I have to loose?
He emails me back about an hour later, “Thank you for your sweet email. I would like to do that, BUT…the timing is bad. I need to concentrate on getting a job in my field now. I think about you. Be patient because I want to see you again."
Hump! Hump! Well! Well! Well! I thought…that puts me in the doghouse! Guess he told me.
That was a week ago – and now it’s Saturday – early morning – and I’m laying (lying…one of those words)...here alone in MY bed…unable to sleep…thinking of him. And truth be told, I've been thinking of him every night for a week now. Missing…wishing him here (and not even in a sexual way…an intimate way…go figure...now "green thumb" required).
I’m lonely for him. I miss him. Feel like I made a mistake. But I don’t believe in mistakes. I believe things happen for reason - as they should according to the choices we make….divine order...destiny...some blah…blah…blah philosophical stuff like that.
So now what have I gone and done (to myself/against myself)?
Perhaps I just needed to write it out. Or perhaps I needed a “willing” ear to hear me out. Either way Jo, thanks for listening.
“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return.”
To be continued....
To be continued....