Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Sex, lovers, relationships

Always on the mind.

Well at least...often on my mind (and possibly in that order).

Ever present, heated and sometimes controversial love, sex and relationship are on the minds of most of us - most of the time.

I recently published a new book, Love...Walk Near My Grave.

Released on Valentine's Day, the book is a collection of personal feelings about love, lovers, being in love, being loved, loving, being unable to love and the return to love. In fact, it is very personal - and although I caution readers that my books (essays) are not about finding answers - but instead being receptive to awakening(s) - I find myself wanting the "the answer" to "What happened?"

"What happened with those intimate relationship(s) I thought/ felt (perhaps wished) would be significant in my future/life?

"What happened?"

You see for the first time in a long time I'm not in an intimate relationship - and to be honest this has left me a bit stunned! (Here you can LOL with me).

Because for many reasons and maybe for no reason, the men in my life have had the most penetrating affect on my life: young(er) men, old(er) men, men with money, men with little money, educated men and men not so educated, fine men and less than fine me, dark men and light, American men and foreign men (but I didn't dare admit this out loud - not even to my closest girlfriends).

So... "What happened?"

Of course, "I'm good" with my own company (which is what we all say when we don't have a lover :)

And there have even been times when I thought I'd be happy, maybe delighted to say..."I'm not in a relationship"- and on some level I am delighted because there is not the drama of relationship(s).

There is not the heartache, headache, heartbreak that I (dutifully) endured for the sake/because/in the name of love - and this I am delighted about!

And yet, I wonder..."What happened?"

Because the fact is even in those most challenging relationships, there was hungry passion, electrifying connection and the freedom for to be absolutely sensuous!

And this I do miss!

So if it was so good...why do I find myself asking (as you probably are at this point)...so "What happened?"
 
Well to get honest with me - I know "what happened"...

Basically I couldn't, wouldn't, decided I simply didn't want to take it anymore. I was sick of being sick of being in relationship(s) with "him" and not getting the good stuff - "loving kindness" - which by my definition is the basic tenet that makes a relationship lasting, balanced and peaceful: loving.

The fact is, although there were many good things in those relationships with "him" - there was also much pain, disharmony and imbalance - and I just didn't want to do that anymore. I didn't want to endure it any longer. You see I was/am convinced there must be peace, if not in relationship with "him"...in a relationship with a different "him" - one in which the best of us both is shared/experienced/given as/with/in "loving kindness" - as divine love.

You see in the course of these passionate, electrifying, sensuous intimate relationships I discovered, realized, awakened to understand that the intimate relationship I most desire is one of "loving kindness" - a divine love...here on earth, between the sheets, on laundry day, at the in-laws dinner table, after the heated argument/before going to sleep angry, when the too-many bills pile up, should the passion frazzle, if forgiveness is needed/requested and even when you can't remember why you are with him (or her)...there is "loving kindness" - because there is Divine Love.

Maybe this idea of "loving kindness" in an intimate relationship is not all that revolutionary - but it is an awakening!

So I guess I do know "What happened?" (as I believe we always do...God made us that way).

And yet...even as I write on love...I wonder, wait and wish...

To be continued...