Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Write on Love

My last entry indicated I would be making some changes to "hone" the blog.

I wanted to find a tighter - yet all encompassing format for discussions on love.

Well as it turns out, I actually like my design and discussion on love.

However, what I would like to change, clarify is the matter of love; I wont' limit my discussion to romantic/Eros love. 

Instead, entries will focus on unconditional/Agape love.


Saturday, March 24, 2012

Do You Ask Him?

It's surprising how a question like this still pops up these days, "Should I ask him out?" 

Surprising when you consider women's lib and equal rights have been part of the (American) culture for decades now; consider women have been working outside the home for decades now (and still primary care givers at home); consider women are some of the top executives in the country; consider women have gone to the moon; consider women have run for President and consider a woman is the current head of Secretary of State - one of the most powerful position in the world of politics.

And once you have considered these and so many other amazing, record breaking and important things women have done and are doing, one can only conclude, "Yes, it's okay for the woman to ask him out!"

However, as has always been the case with equal rights, you must be equally ready to deal with the outcome of your action - which in this case could mean he says "yes" or "no" when you do ask him.

But if you really do dig him, really want the opportunity to spend some time with him, really feel he is worth it, then do ask him?

On another note I've enjoyed blogging Write On Love, inspired by my recently published book, Love...Walk Near My Grave which is about the many dimensions of love, being loved and loving.  However, as with this question, I'm finding many issues are age old concerns and overlap, which can eventually lead to repetitive or redundant answers.  And I am not only committed to providing enlightening discussions, but want blog entries to be fresh and innovative.  Given this I've decided to re-assess and re-evaluate the content, purpose and intent of the blog.

I will continue to write and post blogs entries even as I refine, hone and enhance the purposefulness of Write On Love.

Please keep reading.

To be continued


Friday, March 23, 2012

Cost of Cupid at the Office

Chances are you've heard of one or been the one in an office affair.  Office romances are sometimes against company policy; can be messy and are often costly - for the couple and the company. Nonetheless, a recent survey indicated approximately 40% of all employees have engaged in an office romance.  This percentage indicates significant number of employees either disregard or simply don't care about such a policy.  However, these are tough times it to get and keep a job so you might want to think on these things if you are the one having or thinking about having an office romance.

1.  Keep yourself from doing it.  Avoid the office romance at all cost.  Yes, it can be hard to do so because employees (team members) are being required to work more and longer hours together.  In turn this provides employees an easy platform to start a relationship.  Yet, if the office romance is discovered or goes sour it can have major repercussions you both, including losing your job.

2.  Keep it to yourself.  If you must do an office romance, be discreet.  Especially no love-dovey emails on the company computer, don't slip into your lover's hotel room during a business conference, don't even start bringing your lover a blueberry muffin every morning.  Just don't advertise the relationship because no good will come of going against a company policy knowingly or unknowingly.

3.  Keep it professional.  Absolutely no kissing, holding, touching, petting or any form of outward affection while you are at the office.

4.  Keep it honest. No favorites.  A most unfavorable office romance, the affair between a supervisor and a "subordinate" is greatly discouraged.  For obvious reasons of favoritism, you definitely want to make sure an office romance does not get you the best assignments, promotions or any other perks associated with the object of your affection.

5.  Keep your job.  Yes, many people meet their husband, wife or life partner at the office.  However, for the office romance that don't end with finding the love of your life, the broken relationship can create so many problems that one or both people will lose their job.  Likewise, if you do meet the love of your life at work, one or both people risk unwanted transfer, job reassignment or losing their job because most HR policy forbid married people (sometimes dating people) from working in the same office (or perhaps the same company).

So when it comes to making a choice between finding love at work or keeping the work you love, you gotta ask yourself, "How much is this romance going to cost me?"

To be continued...


Thursday, March 22, 2012

A Perfect Match

So this time you decided to do things a little differently.  Since your past best efforts have not found you that perfect match, you decided to take it to a higher level.  You've prayed and your prayers have been answered.  He's everything you ever wanted in a man; a perfect match.  Well except for one thing - he's too short or maybe he going bald or maybe you don't like that big mole right on tip of his nose.  So now you're asking your best girlfriend, tossing and turning it over in your head and possibly even searching the Internet for an answer.

"What happens when it's the perfect match except for 'that one little thing'?"  And it's something you will need to live with if you decide to make it permanent with the perfect match.

I've been there. 

And the first thing you need to consider is not to settle for a mate you don't/can't really be comfortable with.  Because you will not only hurt yourself, you will needlessly hurt the other person if you can't accept whatever "that one little thing" is that's not so perfect to you..

Next it's important to weigh all the wonderful stuff about this person that might stack up against "that one little thing" you don't like.  I'm mean things like is he kind, considerate, loving, honest and passionate enough for you?  Can you put into perspective all the great things about this perfect match that makes that other thing small?  Or maybe he's such a perfect match that you can't accept your blessing and you're using "that one little thing" as an excuse?  Do give yourself some time and distance to consider if "that one little thing" is big enough to spoil the perfect match. 

And among the top three things you might consider when making a big deal out of "that one little thing" is the fact that through Divine Love you prayed your perfect match into existence.  Yes, if you've prayed in earnest you must know deep in the core of your heart that the perfect match is the answer to your prayers.  And if this is the case, you can have faith that you will be able to live with "that one little thing" if you decide to make the perfect match a permanent match. 

Now what you need to do is keep praying and in accordance with Divine Love you will come to see "that one little thing" is one less thing between you and your perfect match.

To be continued...

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Say It Like You Mean It

"Say it like you mean it...say it like you mean it....say it like you mean it! (Repeated passionately).

I don't know where I heard it, but this string of words has been flowing in and out of my head for a few days.

I do know it's a man speaking to a woman; a type of call and response scenario as he made love her.  I think it was a comedy skit, but whatever the origin these words were what came to mind hearing this couple on line at the movies.

All of a sudden, seemingly from no where the woman starts yelling at the man (and who I thought to be their teen daughter looked on).  I mean the woman got really loud and it seemed there might be violence, but they didn't come to blows there, maybe because he tried to keep it down.  Nonetheless, her voice was violent and of course caught my attention (what can I say, people watching is like my Facebook).  Anyway, I would have put money on a bet that it was the way the woman often spoke to her partner - and it didn't matter whether it was in public or at home.

Why?  Why do people who proclaim to love each other speak so harshly, with such unkindness, so violently to each other?  

Someone reading this is probably saying, "If you knew the way he spoke to me, you wouldn't ask that dumb question."

Actually, you'd be half right because if there was a real "reason" it would be a starting point for understanding and for changing such abrasive behavior.  And I do advocate change because it doesn't make sense for anyone, let alone someone who loves you to speak to you so brutally.

This wasn't the first time I'd seen such a public display, it happens all the time. And it has always disturbed me, not only because it's loud and hostile, but its abusive, plain and simple - abuse. And any social worker will tell you abuse begins with abusive behavior - usually speaking to someone with little regard for their personhood.   But let me slow down here, because it doesn't even have to be that deep.  I'm just sayin'..."In the name of love, can we just be little more mindful of the way we talk to the one we love?"

I know sometimes it's in the moment of a heated argument or disappointment or frustration and you "say it like you mean it" because you mean it to be said violently, angrily and without kindness.  But do try to slow down, take a deep breath, breathe and consider "You get more bees with honey, than with vinegar" because more often than not, it's not what you said, but how you say it that affects the person and the outcome. 

The next you need to "say it like you mean it" and mean what you say, for the sake of love, do try to say what you mean keeping in mind you're saying it to someone you love.

To be continued...


Tuesday, March 20, 2012

The One That Got Away

Have you that regret about... "The One That Got Away"... who right before your eyes?

You know that person you look back on months, maybe even years later and say "Darn! Why couldn't I see that was a good one!" As in that "nice" girl or guy you once dated.  Or perhaps it never even got to the dating stage because you really couldn't see what was in front of you.

So what do you do months, years later when you realize that he was "The One That Got Away" and you him back? You want him back because now you realize he was a sweet guy and that wasn't a bad thing.  You want him back because you keep hearing good things about him in your circle of friends.  You want him back because you've dated one knucklehead too many and now you see all the good things about "The One That Got Away" that you couldn't see before he was gone.

The thing is now you're embarrassed you didn't see how good you had it when he was diggin' you.  Or maybe you've gained a few extra pounds and aren't sure he'll still want you the way you are now.  Or maybe you've gotten married, had children and gotten divorce and think all that might be too much for him to handle.  Or maybe, you've heard "The One That Got Away" finally has someone who probably won't let him be "The One That Got Away" as you did.  How then do you get "The One That Got Away" back in your life? 

Do you call him?  Do you ask a friend to ask him to call you?  Do you send him an email (chances are you kept his email address because somewhere in the back of you mind you knew). Or do you show up at his door in your "birthday suit" wrapped in a big red bow?

It's probably no surprise; I believe things happen as things need to happen, exactly when it needs to happen according Divine Order.  With that said, it's like you have a clean slate and that's the way you want to approach reconnecting with "The One That Got Away" when you weren't looking.  In other words, be honest and open, candid not coy which means you probably don't want to go the route of reconnecting through a mutual friend.  And you certainly don't want to show up at his (her) door in your "birthday suit" with or without the red wrap.  Making that call might feel comfortable for you to reconnect and I think that can work so long as you don't leave a message that suggest anything too intense (i.e.  a walk down memory lane recalling your last connection between the sheets).  This you don't want to do 1) because you don't want to make sex the focus, 2) you don't know if the person is with someone and that someone has access to messages and you don't want to be party to bad vibes and 3) if you haven't talked to him/her in a while, you may have the wrong number (and that could cause problems too).

Still I say email is the best way to go when it comes to reconnecting with someone you haven't been in touch with for a while or the last time you were in touch was a bit uncomfortable.  An email, not Facebook can be a good way to reconnect with "The One that Got Away" because you can personal and personable... without being too personal (certainly people break into other people's email, but again you don't want to be party to bad vibes).  So now what to say to "The One that Got Away" that you want to come back.

Here I say - "Speak Your Mind" as the sensuous, sensitive, soul stirring R&B Isley Brothers said.  Because when it comes down to it....I believe if its really meant to be, then "The One That Got Away" is waiting and wanting to hear what you have to say anyway.

To be continued...


Monday, March 19, 2012

A Time to Wed

What's a good age to marry?

This question was put to me by a 20-something year old, but I can't say I've ever given it any thought.

Do people ever, actually give it any thought to their age when considering marriage?

Maybe at one time people did; I think it was supposed to happen before age 30 if you wanted to be considered on track.  And actually as I think of it, between  ages of 25 and 30 has always been designated as a "good" age for women to marry (younger is fine also).  Things changed some with Women's Liberation Movement, and women have been getting married much later, a its they focus on carriers having to claw their way up the corporate ladder.

Still there was a time when getting married really young was much more acceptable.   A good example is the the now famous record setting longest married couple Herbert and Zelmyra Fisher from North Carolina who got married in 1924 when they were still teenagers at 14 and 16 remain married almost 90 years.  With a record like that, one might argue the best age to marry is 16. Of The Fisher marriage is few and far between case which why its a record.

Perhaps getting married at 76 and 84 is the best age because you would have had the benefit of  either dating a very long time or living together a very long time so that you would know it was a good match.  But the case of Phyllis Siegel and Connie Kopelov the first gay couple to be married in New York the choice to wait was not their own, but wait they did 23 years before they could be legally marry at their age.

Or maybe the best age to marry really is somewhere around 30 as proven by President and Mrs. Obama who married at 31 and not only have a successful marriage, but made world history as a married couple.

"The more I think about it, I don't know that there is a 'best age' to marry" as I told the 20-something young man who asked the question.  And I would venture to say that these couples might say something like, "Age is an important issue when considering marriage, but not the most important issue.  Probably the best indicator of  'What's a good age to marry?' is the age when two people feel, know, believe in the deepest part of their being that this is the right person at the right time to wed.

To be continued...


Sunday, March 18, 2012

Male Order Bride

It was disgusting, the way he groped her, grabbing and squeezing her butt like that,  after all they were in public. It was also very uncomfortable seeing the way he tugged at her neck.   He was a big man standing behind her and at one point he took his large hand, placed it around her chin and twisted her face so that she could be made to kiss him.   I felt her pain - or at least I thought I did.

He was in control - this was obvious.

She did as he told her to do - this was obvious.

I wasn't watching this couple. I was seeing them because they stood on line in front of me.

And as I stood there waiting for the line to move, I wondered if there was anyway this could be a "real couple" and was this "real love" because the way I saw it, he was treating her like property.

The line crept along slowly and I began to form an opinion. This was not a "real couple" because of the way he looked and the way she looked, it was clear she was "mail order" from a catalog and therefore this could not be "real love" I reasoned as the line moved a few feet closer to the cashier.  But after they paid and were on their way, I snapped out of my "I'm-bored-waiting-on-line" thoughts.  What did I know about these people anyway?

I didn't know if they lived in the states, met and fell in love?  I didn't know if he had actually contacted her from a dating catalog or online interracial dating site?  And I certainly didn't know what constituted "real love" for the two of them.

I admit, based on the dynamics that played out on line, its still hard to imagine that it wasn't a "male order" companionship agreement.  Nonetheless, let's say she's not from the U.S. and he did contact her through a catalog service and they did meet and decide the connection between them is "real love" and worth becoming a "real couple" to create a life together; that would be all the "real love" that mattered - even for a "male order" relationship.

To be continued...


Saturday, March 17, 2012

Ole Fashion Love

I cried; and I'm not one easy to tears.  But I did cry during and especially at the end of the movie The Notebook starring Gena Rowlands and James Garner.

Initially, I had no intent to see the movie people were raving was so special.  In fact it was 7 years after the release of the movie before I decided to take a look (this was only because all the good movies had been taken).

When the movie opens, I'm already thinking this is the "same ole soapy love story" and ya da ya da ya da.  But within minutes, I realized The Notebook was not going to be that "same ole soapy love story" because the main characters are not buxom, no longer brazen, nor beautiful 20 something actors.  The main characters are tried and true older actors, well-known and recognized for their long and successful careers, and it was element that made The Notebook worth raving about and crying through.

Seemingly surreal for Hollywood, as well as to the general public, is the idea that aged people, "old" people were once young and in love; remember, know and still experience being in love.  Why we as a society don't know or don't want to know love exist not only for the young, is silly because, if things work out - we all get old(er).

Without giving too much away about the movie, I will say that it is a very lovely, loving, love story about ole fashion love and paints a picture of hope that says, "You're never too old for ole fashion love."



Friday, March 16, 2012

Prisoner to Love

People are just amazing!

I watched a news/mystery show that focused on a woman who said she would wait and work to free her "wrongly" convicted husband for as long as it takes. And I thought, people are amazing (actually I thought crazy, but realize that's a bit judgmental). The woman's unwavering support of her husband who was sentenced to prison for 15 years to life for cold-blooded murder, amazed me! The story got me to thinking about how amazing it is - as in unbelievable - so many women commit to be a "prisoner of love" when they choose to marry a man committed to prison.

"Could you support a friend who wanted to marry a convicted prisoner?"
Although this well-to-do couple had been married some years before the prison sentence, I wondered in amazement of this woman's devotion which is similar to those women who disregard family, friends, clergy and good sense to marry a convicted rapist, murder, child molester in prison who may never see the light of day again outside those prison walls.  It begs the question, "What would possess a woman to marry a man in prison?"

According to websites for/about/in support of prison marriages there are several standard reasons (desperation, citizenship, attention, etc.)  Yet, unlike most of my blogs, I provide no link to these sites because my intent is not to present a discussion, but to clearly state my opinion without any hint of  doubt.

"No, I would not support a friend who wanted to marry a prisoner." 

Short and to the point, "prison is not supposed to be pleasurable" as rights and privileges are revoked once you are convicted and sentenced to prison.  I am not advocating inhumane treatment, brutality or denial of basic human rights - even to prisoners. However, to support a friend who wants to become a "prisoner of love" is not loving on my part.

I know love is powerful.  Love can heal.  Love can change people's heart.

I also know that love, true love does not lead us astray, does not put you in harm's way, is not desperate and certainly true love would not make you a prisoner in any way.

To be continued...


Thursday, March 15, 2012

My Mother's Man

In the 1967 hit movie, The Graduate she was called Mrs. Robinson, today she is called "cougar" as in older-women-who-date-younger men.  These women are at least 8 (often 10-15) years older than the men they date and are called "cougars" because of their so-called stalk-and-ambush predator animal nature. And there are tons of websites devoted to "cougar" pursuit (or pleasure) depending on your point of view; as well as the popular TV shows like Cougar Town starring Courtney Cox and its predecessor the Reality TV show Kept, which starred Jerry Hall.

The growing popularity of shows like Cougar Town and Kept undoubtedly help people see the once frowned upon older-women-dating-younger-men scenario in a new, perhaps more neutral light.  However, there are still (and always will be) relationships hurdles, humps and bumps.

For example, what happens when your mother brings home a man who is not only your age, but it turns out "your mother's man" used to be your man some 6 months earlier. I know it reeks of daytime soap opera drama, but there's no need to make this stuff up.  I myself have been privy to a few personal stories just like this. Suffice to say, this will be a very interesting dinner gathering.

It's fascinating talk but can be quite awkward when your mother is dating someone your age that you dated (and yes, I mean a guy you've already had sex with).  So what's the protocol when the door opens and "your mother's man" used to be your man?

1.  Keep on doin' what you doin
At this point, "it is what is" - so there's no need for you to loose your composure and not treat this man as cordially as you would any other man your mother may date. Stay in the now.  I know it might take a minute to regain your composure, but be your best you.  Smile and put aside your surprise, confusion, anger and possible disappointment (considering your mother got the guy you couldn't keep).   Likewise, I hope he will also keep on doin' what he's doin' - stay in the now - greet you cordially.

2.  Don't do him
Even if your mother leaves the room for ice, to refresh drinks or get the dessert, don't do the "what the hell are you doing with my mother" look. Don't do the "what the hell are you doing with my mother" silent whisper (mouthing the words with contorted face).  And certainly don't do the under the table hanky-panky with "your mother's man" because you want to rekindle what you had when he used to be your man. 

3.  When the time is right, talk about it
There are two schools of thought when it comes to talking it out.  One perspective advocates putting it out there to your mother, talking about it and getting it out of the way so all parties can get beyond the fact that "your mother's man" used to be your man.  The second thought cautions you say nothing to mother (or him) about the fact that "your mother's man" used to your man.  Here the thought is "let sleeping dogs lie" (not that guy is a dog), what your mother doesn't know can't harm her and ignorance is bliss (after all the relationship may fizz in 2 days and you and mom might have a good laugh together about it).

Either way, I think after you've weighed it, given it considerable thought and thought it through, you'll know which avenue to take when the time is right to talk about it.  Most importantly, I think the situation should be handled with the Hippocratic Oath to "first do no harm" to the relationship with your mother.   

So if one day you open the door to find "your mother's man" used to be your man, after you take a deep breath, remember that "cougars" - women like your mother - are just like most women - ISO, looking for,  the hunt for love.

To be continued...


Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Text the Love

Keep the voice, I like "text mex" which is what I call text messaging.

But then I've always been more a writer than talker. But before text messaging, I wrote letters and lots of love letters. And I received lots of love letters, which I still have and hold dear. In fact, it was those letters that kindled the relationship with the love of my life.

I remember the day we met so many years ago. I was reluctant to even show up for the date, because, well I wasn't sure he was "my type" - and he wasn't. But it didn't take long for that to change, not long at all. However, as life would have it, no sooner did we fall deeply and madly in love, we were separated. His mother lived all the way cross the country in California, beautiful San Diego and she needed him. And he needed to go to her as their relationship needed mending and this - as grace would have it - was an opportunity to create balance for mother and son.

So the love of my life had to leave; but he didn't want to leave me, I didn't want him to leave, and neither of us wanted to leave the relationship. Instead we promised we would stay in touch until we could be back together. And we did, he did.

He wrote me love letters; beautiful, long and passionate, caring and intimate, love letters. And although, I was the writer, he was the master of words when it came to love letters. And love me he did.

So intimate, so expressive, so sincere, his love letters kept me; kept me from listening to all those silly thoughts that sometimes seeped into my head. His love letters kept me, kept me from wondering if he really loved me as he said he did. His love letters kept me; kept me knowing that we were supposed to be together, he would return and we would be together. His love letters kept me; kept our love.

In this walk down memory lane I was thinking about how today's "text mex" might compare to those love letters that seeded, nurtured and bloomed our relationship.

Can you "text the love" and bloom a relationship as you can when you "write the love" in a letter?

Absolutely not!
Love letters is something technology can not replace.

Sure, go ahead do online dating and get matched to meet him. Let your friend "friend you" to her. Or even get linked through a network site. I get with technology on meeting someone through either of those connections. However, don't kid yourself into thinking you can develop intimacy with 140 characters; you can't - and without intimacy, how loving can a relationship be?

Love letters, unlike "text mex" go inside, dig deep and come passionately.

Try it for yourself.  Take the forefinger and the thumb off that tiny touch pad. Get a pen and a lined paper pad and "write the love" in a letter. Seal it, send it and see the difference. One page, two pages, three pages - doesn't really matter, but the fact that you "write the love" in a letter will.


Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Too Fat for Love

People are always saying "Beauty is only skin deep" as if there's something wrong with being beautiful. There isn't, and if true be told we all love beauty and want to be beautiful. There's nothing wrong with being attracted to someone because of the way they look, after all, "Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder." But what happens when the "Beholder" no long finds you beautiful because you don't look the same?

Is it fair to break up with someone who has gained so much weight you consider them too fat for love?

On the surface most people would probably say it isn't fair to break up with someone just because they gained too much weight. However, underneath the fear of reproach and closer to the core of honesty, I think many would consider it is fair to break up with someone because they gained too much - and I for one would agree. That's right, I think it's as legitimate a cause for break up as any other  reason.  And before you get way offended, let me tell you why.

An overweight lover is setting you up for big disappointments - because being overweight is unhealthy, costly and limits one's quality of life. Quality of life means the opportunities; options and choices that can help you create a happy life. However, if you have an overweight lover, he/she will limit their opportunities, options and choices for quality of life - as well as your.  But think about the ramifications of being overweight; it's not rocket science and it's not being mean.

(Note this is not a discussion about people with health related reasons for overweight - and no one should be skin and bones). 

Yet, on the most basic level if a person is overweight they may not want to be active, that can mean anything from strolling hand-in-hand through the mall with you, taking a nice stroll through a park or along a moonlit beach together. Chance are an overweight person just won't feel up to it because being overweight depletes energy, not to mention makes the heart work harder and that can be painful. So who wants to be with someone who doesn't want to do stuff? And what about something like travel? Do you know some airlines charge extra for an overweight person to travel? No, it's not legal to charge extra for the ticket, but airlines do charge extra for the seat attachment overweight people require to fasten their seat belt. Yes, that affects quality of life in very legitimate way - money. And what about the overweight lover...if you know like I know...making love is best when both people can put energy into it. And as unloving as it might sound, an overweight lover can not put as much energy into making love - and that definitely affects my quality of life! These are just a few basic examples to help you see why I say you may have legitimate reason to break up with someone who is overweight - because being overweight does have a negative affect on quality of life.

But in putting the case to you in such heavy-handed terms, I hope you recognize I'm not "just" talking about being overweight.   I'm talking about health, taking care of one's health and creating balance. Because although, I may think it's a legitimate reason to break up with someone because their overweight issue has a negative affect on quality of life for you, I'm not saying it's the most loving choice to break up with someone "just" because they gained too much weight.

Thanks in part to the dynamic work of First Lady Michelle Obama, the word about too many Americans being too overweight and the consequences on health is getting out. Likewise, the First Lady is helping Americans take proactive steps to create better balance with weight, in order to improve their health and quality of life - which I think can also have a positive affect on your love life.

Likewise, what I say here is intended to be heavy-handed because I want the words to carry weight when it comes to understanding, seeing, realizing how being overweight can be too heavy on an intimate relationship. My stance is heavy-handed because I hope that if you are ever on either side of the issue too fat for love that you might visual these scenarios and consider what you might be able to do to help lessen the burden on the relationship toward a better quality of life and balance before you decide the overweight person you're with is too fat for love.

To be continued...


Monday, March 12, 2012

Love or Friendship?

You have to make a choice; which would you choose?

Love of Friendship?

It's awful, but now you have to make a choice because you feel something happening between the two of you or perhaps it's been happening for some time.

Except one of you already has somebody and that somebody is your friend or perhaps your best friend; which can make things even more complicated. Either way a feeling is happening between the two of you and it's about to cross the line where you will have to choose love or friendship?

What to do?

A friend had me ROFL (rolling on the floor laughing) because she said even if I owed her a lot of money and I stopped by to return it but she wasn't home, but her man was home - alone, she told me, "Keep the damn money and stay the hell out of my house if my man is home alone!" (Note she used a stronger explicative). But in any case, I was rolling on the floor laughing because it sounded so ridiculous, "What's the difference if you are home or not?" I asked.

The difference is, she replied with no humor in your tone, "That's how s___ t starts! Because you have no business in my house, with my man, if I'm not home! Period!"

Well, I couldn't believe she was serious and asked again. "Why would you even think anything would happen between me and your man? First of all, I know he adores you. Second of all, no offense, but you know he's not my type. And last, but not least we're friends! Do you think I'd mess up my friendship with you for him?" I protested.

"Listen, all that is well and good," she said, "and no, I don't think you would do anything like that because we are good friends. But damn it, s__t happens like that all the time and the best way to prevent it, is to avoid it."

It was LOL again for me because I couldn't believe what she was saying. But it was no laughing matter for my friend and it got me to thinking about how those situations do happen.  You know that awful situation when a friend is attracted, spending too much time with or already sleeping with your partner and when the s___t hits the fan, a choice must be or friendship?

Again, I don't see putting myself in such a predicament because first of all I respect myself too much to even imagine it's within the realm of possibility I would/could do that to a friend. Secondly, I respect friendship too much to even imagine it's within the realm of possibility I would/could do that to a friend. And thirdly, I respect spiritual law too much to even imagine it's within the realm of possibility that I would/could do that to friend. my friend said, "S___t happens!" And there are too many real life reports, so many movies and a bunch of reality to shows to confirm her point of view. And of course there's the high divorce rate which clearly indicates people do become attracted to other people - even if they are with someone else at the time.

So although, having to make a choice between love and friendship because I want my friend's boyfriend isn't something I ever imagine doing, the question is one of reality.

Thus, the answer may be right there where I started; with my friend's suggestion, insistence, directive that one should avoid putting one's self in a situation where such a predicament might, possibly, maybe have a chance to ignite.

I also think the answer can be found in my perspective that for the sake of friendship if, somehow, you do realize that spark of attraction for your friend's partner, you need to immediately nick, douse or snuff it before it ever has a chance to ignite (i.e. don't encourage anything, do distance yourself and last, but not least - get your own partner).

But what if the spark does ignite and you find yourself at a crossroad to choose between the love for a friend's partner or the friendship you value; what then?


This is where spiritual law comes in.  And no, I'm not talking about religion or whether you will go to heaven or hell or even whether you are a good or bad person. In the most basic sense spiritual law is natural law, ying/yang, that balance thing I always come back to.

You must know that when you "take" something that isn't yours to take, do something you have no business doing, or behave in a way that disrupts balance, you are breaking spiritual law. And as you know, breaking the law always has bad consequences.

So if you put yourself in the grievous predicament of having to choose between love and friendship, consider this 1, 2, 3 process to help extricate yourself.  And yes, I do realize that perhaps suggestion 1 might not help you avoid creating the dilemma,  and maybe steps 1 and 2 won't help you unravel the mess you've made, but if you put 1, 2 and 3 into action, there's a good chance you can redeem yourself AND won't have to make the awful choice between love or friendship.

To be continued...


Sunday, March 11, 2012

Hold Onto Me

How long do I get to hold a grudge?

It's your birthday and he forgot; no perfume, no flower, not even a box of candy from the local CVS. You're hurt and you won't forget this!

She brought another $500 comforter set, when it was agreed the next purchase would be your car stereo. You're pissed and you won't forget this!

You had to work late, so there was no way you could make to the in-laws for the dinner party. You're embarrassed and angry and you won't forget this!

Whatever it is that got you so angry, hurt or disappointed the fact is you're there now - holding a grudge and it doesn't look like you're going to budge from that holding point anytime soon, not even a nudge.

So how long do you get to hold a grudge?

You don't.

Cut the grudge.

Make it as short as possible; try to nudge it out of your system as soon as you can because your inability to budge on a grudge will get you nowhere...literally you become stuck.

You know the feeling; perhaps you can remember as child 6 or 7 or being 12 or 13 and your parents pissed you off and you got mad and you intended to stay mad for as long as it took to show them! You would show them what happens when you don't get your way; show them how bad you can make them feel when they're so busy at work earning a living for the family that they forget you wanted the red sneakers and not the blue; you would hold that grudge as long as it takes to make them sorry. Yes, you would show them how long you could hold a grudge when they said couldn't spend the night at your friend's house because no one over 18 would be there to chaperone. And that time they grounded you for poor school grades, you were really going show them and hold onto that grudge so long it would hurt so much, your parents would cancel the decision to ground you. Yes, you were going to hold onto that grudge!  And as you remember it worked ...right?

No, of course it didn't work (at least not at my house and my mom wasn't even the punishing type).  But eventually we learned (and then unlearned) that holding a grudge doesn't get you what you want - and it certainly doesn't make things any better for you. And this is especially true in grown-up intimate relationships - holding a grudge doesn't really get you what you want, it isn't a magic talisman that can reverse what happened, and if you're honest, it doesn't even make you feel better.

Of course when something doesn't go as we plan or when someone can't meet our expectations, we are disappointed, hurt and yes, at times even angry; that's human nature. And it's probably a good thing we have those feelings - instead of denying how we feel, stuffing it and letting it fester into something worse. And that's the point - cut the grudge short because you don't want to hold onto a grudge and let it blister into a big argument, or time missed you could have spent together, or drive a wedge between you so wide you can't come back together. Its like Colin Powell said, "Get mad, then get over it."

Don't hold on to the grudge.

Hold onto a good memory of being together, hold onto each other, and hold onto why you love and want to be with the person, but cut the grudge.


Saturday, March 10, 2012

Is Sex Supposed to Hurt?


"No, sex is not supposed to hurt."

For edification purposes, I usually set up the scenario before I answer the question. In doing so it provides a picture of the circumstance I discuss in the blog that day; you know "a picture is worth a thousand words" as the cliché goes. However, with regard to this circumstance - "Is sex supposed to hurt?" - the fact is there is practically no scenario for which I could see giving any answer other than "No" because under no circumstance is sex supposed to hurt.

Now, for purpose of edification, the question stems from a discussion about sexual fetish. To be more exact, the issue was whether it is "okay" for a man to choke a woman during intercourse if its gratifying to him, but painful for her (yes, it could be the other way around). But the answer remains the same:

"No"...absolutely not.

Indeed my answer is resolute, and as such I provide clarification and explanation for the purposes of edification.

Of course, I've heard the argument that "as long as two consenting adults say it's 'okay ...they can decide to have sex anyway they want." And to this I say, legally that is probably the case. However, as I see it "consenting adults" is not the crux of the question, "Is sex supposed hurt?"

The fact that someone is being hurt is the issue - and that is not a good thing in any circumstance. Moreover, although I can appreciate "wild and crazy" sex as much as the next "consenting adult" - nonetheless, there is no qualifying hurting someone so that you can feel good. I would even go so far as to suggest that such behavior demonstrates a lack of empathy towards others and represents the type of person who would manipulate others in order to get what they desire - which are fundamental signs of social, mental and spiritual imbalance.

Yet, my point is not to get into a deep discussion about the virtue or vice of a sexual of fetish  However, my resolute answer, "No, sex is not supposed to hurt" means just that - "because as human beings...we are not supposed to hurt each other in any circumstance and think its okay"-  because it's not okay to purposefully inflict pain  - on any living being. 

Friday, March 9, 2012

Check Text Messages

Frankly, I don't see the purpose in checking text messages or the email of someone you love (or following them for that matter).

What are you looking for? What will you do with the anything you find? What good will come of it?

Whenever I hear a story like this from Facebook, online or word of mouth, it never ends in a good way. Because checking someone's text messages starts from place of negativity, namely suspicion and distrust, you'll end up in a place of negativity.

That means if you check the messages and find out the love of your life has in fact been unfaithful to the relationship, you'll be hurt. With that hurt you will be angry and you will want a confrontation in which case you will need to admit you checked the text messages. So now you've been unfaithful too. Did you find what you were looking for? Does it help your relationship? Will it help make your relation healthier and better balanced?

On the other hand if you check the text messages and find out there is nothing out of the ordinary about the text messages; maybe the after hours text messages were related to a special work project, or maybe a friend was going through a crisis and asked it be kept discreet, or maybe the love of your life has decided to cut phone cost and stop sending you so many text messages. The point is you checked the text messages and didn't find anything unfaithful. However, now you must deal with your conscience and the consequences. This can mean you will keep the act of distrust to yourself, which will inevitably eat at you until it does cause problems in the relationship. Or if you decide to tell the person that you checked their text messages that too will cause problems in the relationship because it says you don't trust the love of your life. And a relationship without trust - its a relationship in trouble.

So again I ask, what good will come to the relationship if you check text messages of the person you say you love?

Because if your answer for checking someone's text messages is to say you want to know who and why... then the best approach to take is the most direct approach: simply ask!

Communicate; because that's the way to cultivate and keep a healthy and balanced relationship.  


Thursday, March 8, 2012

Sex Education

Can an intimate relationship with significant educational disparity succeed?

Yes! Of course is my immediate answer.

However, when I give it a little more thought, I tend to lean toward "No" because any relationship between with significant disparity is unbalanced and therefore, can not be successful.

To clarify, I'm talking about two people in the same or approximate age group who have disparate educational training; that is the stuff one learns in a scholastic institution. For example, could someone with a PhD in Physics have a successful intimate, loving relationship with someone who has a high school diploma?

Let me state clearly, I'm not saying that book knowledge, scholastic training necessarily means a better level of intelligence. However, it does usually indicate an advanced level of knowledge by virtue of quantity (the number of years and books one has studied). Of course there's something to be said for higher learning gained through experience and/or self-study.

Suffice to say all relationships have disparity, because no two people are exactly the same, have the exact same experiences or education (even if they attend the same class). Still there's no denying, the greater the disparity in a relationship, the greater the possibility for imbalance, problematic issues and obstacles that affect the success of the relationships. Yet, provided the two people involved are consenting adults - who are at least comparatively mature, it is possible they can succeed in a relationship that has great disparity. (For the record, my gut says an 18-year old has not yet reached a level of maturity to have a "healthy" and/or "balanced" relationship with a 30-year old; but that's just my spiritual barometer).

As I see it, a more thoughtful answer would be to consider:  Is it possible or even realistic for two people to date, fall in love, enjoy each others' company and create a respectful, loving and healthy intimate relationship regardless of and/or in spite of significant disparity in education?

"Yes" and "No"...

No, because it's impossible to have a successful intimate loving relationship if the two people involved are not respectful, considerate and willing to work at creating and maintaining a healthy and balanced relationship in spite of disparity.

Yes! It certainly is possible to have a successful intimate loving relationship if the two people involved are respectful, considerate and willing to work at creating and maintaining a healthy and balanced relationship in spite of disparity.

As always, its about balance!

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

An Affair to Remember

When a movie leaves me thinking; stays with me for days, weeks, months even years later, its usually because I'm wondering if it was real - you know based on real life experiences.  Sometimes this is clear, like when a movie  is based on a historical event such as Watergate or with media release to promote a movie like The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo which is loosely based on a real life experience of Stieg Larsson, author of the book.

By now you must know how much I love movies.  And there are those times when a movie like An Affair to Remember, is so moving, its almost impossible to discern if it is based on real-life.  A romantic drama, An Affair to Remember, released in 1957 is ranked # 5 on the AFI list of America's greatest love stories, and is based on the original 1939 film Love Affair.  So stirring, An Affair to Remember has since inspired several remakes, including Sleepless in Seattle and a Bollywood version.

The powerful storyline, as you may have guessed is based on an affair between a man and a woman, each involved with other people.  To be brief, Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr meet on a cruise and are immediately and hopelessly attracted to each other.  However, they both have other obligations -  they have committed partners back at home.  Neither wants to hurt those partners, but find after meeting each other they can't stay  with those partners  back home,  and won't be able to live without each other.  They agree to go home and wrap up (end) the other relationships, and then meet each other in six months at the Empire State Building to begin their lives together.  But guess what...when the six month rendezvous date of them doesn't show up, leaving the other feeling confused, angry and hurt.  And thus it simply becomes "an affair to remember" and nothing more, except there is more - and this is what makes this movie so powerful, so stirring and for me, so unable to shake years later.  Not to mention my own "an affair to remember" experience that has stayed with me.

I don't want to spoil the plot (for those of you who are now so inspired to run out and rent An Affair to Remember) but let me say this, if you ever meet someone you really dig and you want to get together again, I mean really want to get together again:  1) make sure you have good contact information, 2) keep the date and if you can't - let the person know and 3) if perhaps, by chance, should some unforeseen circumstance make it so that you can't meet and you can let the person know that...try not to go away with anger in your heart.  Yes, you will certainly be confused and hurt, but sometimes 'life just happens' and there can be any number of  explanations for the no show that have absolutely nothing to do with not wanting to be with you.  So, if for nothing else but for the sake of healing your heart,  keep the experience as "an affair to remember" on your journey of love.

To be continued...