Saturday, February 25, 2012

In Search Of...

So have you tried any of those "people search" engines yet?

Is there someone you want to find?

Maybe your best friend from 3rd grade?
Or maybe the first guy/girl you ever kissed?
What about your favorite college professor - the one who inspired you to "be" who you are today?
Or the first boss who hired you for your first job?
Maybe a long lost relative?
Or maybe "the one" that got away?

Or perhaps you want to find out if someone is out there looking for you?

Well I wanted to and recently I tired it.

There is someone I'd like to find (well there a few some ones). However, this person is particular to my life - always has been and probably always will be.

So I paid my money - filled out the questions - tried to narrow my search for the person - and then put out the "search net" - let the world wide web - do its job - and it did - at least I guess it did.
Strange experience (and I do mean "strange") because I haven't been able to quite understand how I feel about my results.
The fact is I received no reply on my search.  And I realize that could mean many unrelated things - and also mean a few specific things: a) my search information was not good/accurate enough, b) the person is no longer living, c) the person has no files on the web (which is nearly impossible these days), d) name change, and last but not least, e) the person does not want to be "searched" - more to the point "found" by me (or perhaps anyone).

And that's why I say this "search and find" web thing has been a strange experience because its left me searching my brain for an answer why the search didn't search and find successfully? As it stands now I'm no closer to the person and perhaps a little farther.  And to tell the truth, as I look at it from a holistic perspective - that is consider how all the parts of the issue affect the whole - rather than looking at the one part we want to see - I don't know if the answers to any of my suppositions about what might have prevented my search from being a "find" make a difference one way or another.  Because I asked myself..."What did I hope to gain by searching...and possibly finding this person?" And the answer is..."I'm not sure" - or maybe  - if I'm real honest - I am sure - and that's what makes it a strange experience...searching for that which is not lost.

To be continued...

Friday, February 24, 2012

That Perfect Date

A friend of mine has really been enjoying her online dating experience.

Interestingly, she's a person I would have never figured for online dating, but she's enjoying the experience and I'm having a lot of LOL moments listening to experiences.

Her stories of the meeting (and not meeting) dates are so funny, real, and so dog-gone human...its hilarious!

In fact, I had tried online dating myself some years ago - when it wasn't so popular, so common, so "everybody is doing it" and nobody thinks the worse.

At the time Facebook just a hint, Goggle we didn't yet get and Twitter was...well not even on the map (how fast technology does progress!).   When I tried online dating it was a big deal and no one talked of it (especially if you were doing it).   Indeed, the very mention of "online dating" was an indication that you were "less than" or "nobody wanted you" or worse..."you had issues" (as if we don't all have issues!).

Now that everyone has joined in on "the secret" I feel like I've "been there...done that" and that in some way I'm ahead of "the game" which is probably why I can laugh at my friend's exploits. Nonetheless, "that perfect date" nor "that perfect partner" (as if anything is "perfect") ever evolved.  However, my experience(s) provided an inside perspective about online dating (as the the best teacher is experience).  Moreover, not only did my online dating experience(s) provide precious jewels of information, insights and something fun to do - those awkward and sometimes scary engagements helped me grow spiritually.  That is to say, I learned a lot about love, being loved and loving kindness.

So I guess this is what prompted my friend to suggest it would be good idea if I "write on love" in an online column (that would be a Blog in techno-term). She made the suggestion because she thought the insights I provided to enhance her dating experience(s) were terrific. "Really great insights!" she said (even before I shared that I had tried online dating a while back). I laughed off her suggestion (after all I don't have a degree in psychology or relationship therapy or couples counseling...what if I said something wrong?)
And then I thought (after reading so many other Blogs about love) - there's hundreds, thousands of people who have online blogs and websites without official certification in the topic they discuss - why not me?   I guesstimate less than half the people with blogs have any professional credentials related to blogs they may be dolling out advice, suggestions and/or information about. So I said to myself (after a good pep talk) - why not me? Right? My insights, perspective and helpful information are just as good - and perhaps better than what some of those folks are dolling out in online columns (at that very least interesting reading).

It was then it occurred that I might be asking myself the wrong question. Instead of asking "How could I "write on love" online, perhaps the better question to ask myself was - "Can I 'write on love' from a personal and positive perspective?"   You see this is an important distinction because as an Essayist, what I write is personal and spiritually grounded.   So yes! I certainly can "write on love" to share positive insights based on personal experiences - and equally important - "Write on Love" will be a platform to contribute to and promote peace, which is my purpose and passion.    Because as I see it, the more positive personal perspectives we can write on love - the more energy we contribute to kindness,  love and peace!  And thus I believe, nay...I know "Write on Love" is a good idea.

Now...what positive insight 
to close?

How about...

You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.   Ralph Waldo Emerson

To be continued...


Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Sex, lovers, relationships

Always on the mind.

Well at least...often on my mind (and possibly in that order).

Ever present, heated and sometimes controversial love, sex and relationship are on the minds of most of us - most of the time.

I recently published a new book, Love...Walk Near My Grave.

Released on Valentine's Day, the book is a collection of personal feelings about love, lovers, being in love, being loved, loving, being unable to love and the return to love. In fact, it is very personal - and although I caution readers that my books (essays) are not about finding answers - but instead being receptive to awakening(s) - I find myself wanting the "the answer" to "What happened?"

"What happened with those intimate relationship(s) I thought/ felt (perhaps wished) would be significant in my future/life?

"What happened?"

You see for the first time in a long time I'm not in an intimate relationship - and to be honest this has left me a bit stunned! (Here you can LOL with me).

Because for many reasons and maybe for no reason, the men in my life have had the most penetrating affect on my life: young(er) men, old(er) men, men with money, men with little money, educated men and men not so educated, fine men and less than fine me, dark men and light, American men and foreign men (but I didn't dare admit this out loud - not even to my closest girlfriends).

So... "What happened?"

Of course, "I'm good" with my own company (which is what we all say when we don't have a lover :)

And there have even been times when I thought I'd be happy, maybe delighted to say..."I'm not in a relationship"- and on some level I am delighted because there is not the drama of relationship(s).

There is not the heartache, headache, heartbreak that I (dutifully) endured for the sake/because/in the name of love - and this I am delighted about!

And yet, I wonder..."What happened?"

Because the fact is even in those most challenging relationships, there was hungry passion, electrifying connection and the freedom for to be absolutely sensuous!

And this I do miss!

So if it was so good...why do I find myself asking (as you probably are at this point) "What happened?"
Well to get honest with me - I know "what happened"...

Basically I couldn't, wouldn't, decided I simply didn't want to take it anymore. I was sick of being sick of being in relationship(s) with "him" and not getting the good stuff - "loving kindness" - which by my definition is the basic tenet that makes a relationship lasting, balanced and peaceful: loving.

The fact is, although there were many good things in those relationships with "him" - there was also much pain, disharmony and imbalance - and I just didn't want to do that anymore. I didn't want to endure it any longer. You see I was/am convinced there must be peace, if not in relationship with "him" a relationship with a different "him" - one in which the best of us both is shared/experienced/given as/with/in "loving kindness" - as divine love.

You see in the course of these passionate, electrifying, sensuous intimate relationships I discovered, realized, awakened to understand that the intimate relationship I most desire is one of "loving kindness" - a divine on earth, between the sheets, on laundry day, at the in-laws dinner table, after the heated argument/before going to sleep angry, when the too-many bills pile up, should the passion frazzle, if forgiveness is needed/requested and even when you can't remember why you are with him (or her)...there is "loving kindness" - because there is Divine Love.

Maybe this idea of "loving kindness" in an intimate relationship is not all that revolutionary - but it is an awakening!

So I guess I do know "What happened?" (as I believe we always do...God made us that way).

And yet...even as I write on love...I wonder, wait and wish...

To be continued...