Saturday, March 24, 2012

Do You Ask Him?

It's surprising how a question like this still pops up these days, "Should I ask him out?" 

Surprising when you consider women's lib and equal rights have been part of the (American) culture for decades now; consider women have been working outside the home for decades now (and still primary care givers at home); consider women are some of the top executives in the country; consider women have gone to the moon; consider women have run for President and consider a woman is the current head of Secretary of State - one of the most powerful position in the world of politics.

And once you have considered these and so many other amazing, record breaking and important things women have done and are doing, one can only conclude, "Yes, it's okay for the woman to ask him out!"

However, as has always been the case with equal rights, you must be equally ready to deal with the outcome of your action - which in this case could mean he says "yes" or "no" when you do ask him.

But if you really do dig him, really want the opportunity to spend some time with him, really feel he is worth it, then do ask him?

On another note I've enjoyed blogging Write On Love, inspired by my recently published book, Love...Walk Near My Grave which is about the many dimensions of love, being loved and loving.  However, as with this question, I'm finding many issues are age old concerns and overlap, which can eventually lead to repetitive or redundant answers.  And I am not only committed to providing enlightening discussions, but want blog entries to be fresh and innovative.  Given this I've decided to re-assess and re-evaluate the content, purpose and intent of the blog.

I will continue to write and post blogs entries even as I refine, hone and enhance the purposefulness of Write On Love.

Please keep reading.

To be continued


Friday, March 23, 2012

Cost of Cupid at the Office

Chances are you've heard of one or been the one in an office affair.  Office romances are sometimes against company policy; can be messy and are often costly - for the couple and the company. Nonetheless, a recent survey indicated approximately 40% of all employees have engaged in an office romance.  This percentage indicates significant number of employees either disregard or simply don't care about such a policy.  However, these are tough times it to get and keep a job so you might want to think on these things if you are the one having or thinking about having an office romance.

1.  Keep yourself from doing it.  Avoid the office romance at all cost.  Yes, it can be hard to do so because employees (team members) are being required to work more and longer hours together.  In turn this provides employees an easy platform to start a relationship.  Yet, if the office romance is discovered or goes sour it can have major repercussions you both, including losing your job.

2.  Keep it to yourself.  If you must do an office romance, be discreet.  Especially no love-dovey emails on the company computer, don't slip into your lover's hotel room during a business conference, don't even start bringing your lover a blueberry muffin every morning.  Just don't advertise the relationship because no good will come of going against a company policy knowingly or unknowingly.

3.  Keep it professional.  Absolutely no kissing, holding, touching, petting or any form of outward affection while you are at the office.

4.  Keep it honest. No favorites.  A most unfavorable office romance, the affair between a supervisor and a "subordinate" is greatly discouraged.  For obvious reasons of favoritism, you definitely want to make sure an office romance does not get you the best assignments, promotions or any other perks associated with the object of your affection.

5.  Keep your job.  Yes, many people meet their husband, wife or life partner at the office.  However, for the office romance that don't end with finding the love of your life, the broken relationship can create so many problems that one or both people will lose their job.  Likewise, if you do meet the love of your life at work, one or both people risk unwanted transfer, job reassignment or losing their job because most HR policy forbid married people (sometimes dating people) from working in the same office (or perhaps the same company).

So when it comes to making a choice between finding love at work or keeping the work you love, you gotta ask yourself, "How much is this romance going to cost me?"

To be continued...


Thursday, March 22, 2012

A Perfect Match

So this time you decided to do things a little differently.  Since your past best efforts have not found you that perfect match, you decided to take it to a higher level.  You've prayed and your prayers have been answered.  He's everything you ever wanted in a man; a perfect match.  Well except for one thing - he's too short or maybe he going bald or maybe you don't like that big mole right on tip of his nose.  So now you're asking your best girlfriend, tossing and turning it over in your head and possibly even searching the Internet for an answer.

"What happens when it's the perfect match except for 'that one little thing'?"  And it's something you will need to live with if you decide to make it permanent with the perfect match.

I've been there. 

And the first thing you need to consider is not to settle for a mate you don't/can't really be comfortable with.  Because you will not only hurt yourself, you will needlessly hurt the other person if you can't accept whatever "that one little thing" is that's not so perfect to you..

Next it's important to weigh all the wonderful stuff about this person that might stack up against "that one little thing" you don't like.  I'm mean things like is he kind, considerate, loving, honest and passionate enough for you?  Can you put into perspective all the great things about this perfect match that makes that other thing small?  Or maybe he's such a perfect match that you can't accept your blessing and you're using "that one little thing" as an excuse?  Do give yourself some time and distance to consider if "that one little thing" is big enough to spoil the perfect match. 

And among the top three things you might consider when making a big deal out of "that one little thing" is the fact that through Divine Love you prayed your perfect match into existence.  Yes, if you've prayed in earnest you must know deep in the core of your heart that the perfect match is the answer to your prayers.  And if this is the case, you can have faith that you will be able to live with "that one little thing" if you decide to make the perfect match a permanent match. 

Now what you need to do is keep praying and in accordance with Divine Love you will come to see "that one little thing" is one less thing between you and your perfect match.

To be continued...

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Say It Like You Mean It

"Say it like you mean it...say it like you mean it....say it like you mean it! (Repeated passionately).

I don't know where I heard it, but this string of words has been flowing in and out of my head for a few days.

I do know it's a man speaking to a woman; a type of call and response scenario as he made love her.  I think it was a comedy skit, but whatever the origin these words were what came to mind hearing this couple on line at the movies.

All of a sudden, seemingly from no where the woman starts yelling at the man (and who I thought to be their teen daughter looked on).  I mean the woman got really loud and it seemed there might be violence, but they didn't come to blows there, maybe because he tried to keep it down.  Nonetheless, her voice was violent and of course caught my attention (what can I say, people watching is like my Facebook).  Anyway, I would have put money on a bet that it was the way the woman often spoke to her partner - and it didn't matter whether it was in public or at home.

Why?  Why do people who proclaim to love each other speak so harshly, with such unkindness, so violently to each other?  

Someone reading this is probably saying, "If you knew the way he spoke to me, you wouldn't ask that dumb question."

Actually, you'd be half right because if there was a real "reason" it would be a starting point for understanding and for changing such abrasive behavior.  And I do advocate change because it doesn't make sense for anyone, let alone someone who loves you to speak to you so brutally.

This wasn't the first time I'd seen such a public display, it happens all the time. And it has always disturbed me, not only because it's loud and hostile, but its abusive, plain and simple - abuse. And any social worker will tell you abuse begins with abusive behavior - usually speaking to someone with little regard for their personhood.   But let me slow down here, because it doesn't even have to be that deep.  I'm just sayin'..."In the name of love, can we just be little more mindful of the way we talk to the one we love?"

I know sometimes it's in the moment of a heated argument or disappointment or frustration and you "say it like you mean it" because you mean it to be said violently, angrily and without kindness.  But do try to slow down, take a deep breath, breathe and consider "You get more bees with honey, than with vinegar" because more often than not, it's not what you said, but how you say it that affects the person and the outcome. 

The next you need to "say it like you mean it" and mean what you say, for the sake of love, do try to say what you mean keeping in mind you're saying it to someone you love.

To be continued...


Tuesday, March 20, 2012

The One That Got Away

Have you that regret about... "The One That Got Away"... who right before your eyes?

You know that person you look back on months, maybe even years later and say "Darn! Why couldn't I see that was a good one!" As in that "nice" girl or guy you once dated.  Or perhaps it never even got to the dating stage because you really couldn't see what was in front of you.

So what do you do months, years later when you realize that he was "The One That Got Away" and you him back? You want him back because now you realize he was a sweet guy and that wasn't a bad thing.  You want him back because you keep hearing good things about him in your circle of friends.  You want him back because you've dated one knucklehead too many and now you see all the good things about "The One That Got Away" that you couldn't see before he was gone.

The thing is now you're embarrassed you didn't see how good you had it when he was diggin' you.  Or maybe you've gained a few extra pounds and aren't sure he'll still want you the way you are now.  Or maybe you've gotten married, had children and gotten divorce and think all that might be too much for him to handle.  Or maybe, you've heard "The One That Got Away" finally has someone who probably won't let him be "The One That Got Away" as you did.  How then do you get "The One That Got Away" back in your life? 

Do you call him?  Do you ask a friend to ask him to call you?  Do you send him an email (chances are you kept his email address because somewhere in the back of you mind you knew). Or do you show up at his door in your "birthday suit" wrapped in a big red bow?

It's probably no surprise; I believe things happen as things need to happen, exactly when it needs to happen according Divine Order.  With that said, it's like you have a clean slate and that's the way you want to approach reconnecting with "The One That Got Away" when you weren't looking.  In other words, be honest and open, candid not coy which means you probably don't want to go the route of reconnecting through a mutual friend.  And you certainly don't want to show up at his (her) door in your "birthday suit" with or without the red wrap.  Making that call might feel comfortable for you to reconnect and I think that can work so long as you don't leave a message that suggest anything too intense (i.e.  a walk down memory lane recalling your last connection between the sheets).  This you don't want to do 1) because you don't want to make sex the focus, 2) you don't know if the person is with someone and that someone has access to messages and you don't want to be party to bad vibes and 3) if you haven't talked to him/her in a while, you may have the wrong number (and that could cause problems too).

Still I say email is the best way to go when it comes to reconnecting with someone you haven't been in touch with for a while or the last time you were in touch was a bit uncomfortable.  An email, not Facebook can be a good way to reconnect with "The One that Got Away" because you can personal and personable... without being too personal (certainly people break into other people's email, but again you don't want to be party to bad vibes).  So now what to say to "The One that Got Away" that you want to come back.

Here I say - "Speak Your Mind" as the sensuous, sensitive, soul stirring R&B Isley Brothers said.  Because when it comes down to it....I believe if its really meant to be, then "The One That Got Away" is waiting and wanting to hear what you have to say anyway.

To be continued...


Monday, March 19, 2012

A Time to Wed

What's a good age to marry?

This question was put to me by a 20-something year old, but I can't say I've ever given it any thought.

Do people ever, actually give it any thought to their age when considering marriage?

Maybe at one time people did; I think it was supposed to happen before age 30 if you wanted to be considered on track.  And actually as I think of it, between  ages of 25 and 30 has always been designated as a "good" age for women to marry (younger is fine also).  Things changed some with Women's Liberation Movement, and women have been getting married much later, a its they focus on carriers having to claw their way up the corporate ladder.

Still there was a time when getting married really young was much more acceptable.   A good example is the the now famous record setting longest married couple Herbert and Zelmyra Fisher from North Carolina who got married in 1924 when they were still teenagers at 14 and 16 remain married almost 90 years.  With a record like that, one might argue the best age to marry is 16. Of The Fisher marriage is few and far between case which why its a record.

Perhaps getting married at 76 and 84 is the best age because you would have had the benefit of  either dating a very long time or living together a very long time so that you would know it was a good match.  But the case of Phyllis Siegel and Connie Kopelov the first gay couple to be married in New York the choice to wait was not their own, but wait they did 23 years before they could be legally marry at their age.

Or maybe the best age to marry really is somewhere around 30 as proven by President and Mrs. Obama who married at 31 and not only have a successful marriage, but made world history as a married couple.

"The more I think about it, I don't know that there is a 'best age' to marry" as I told the 20-something young man who asked the question.  And I would venture to say that these couples might say something like, "Age is an important issue when considering marriage, but not the most important issue.  Probably the best indicator of  'What's a good age to marry?' is the age when two people feel, know, believe in the deepest part of their being that this is the right person at the right time to wed.

To be continued...


Sunday, March 18, 2012

Male Order Bride

It was disgusting, the way he groped her, grabbing and squeezing her butt like that,  after all they were in public. It was also very uncomfortable seeing the way he tugged at her neck.   He was a big man standing behind her and at one point he took his large hand, placed it around her chin and twisted her face so that she could be made to kiss him.   I felt her pain - or at least I thought I did.

He was in control - this was obvious.

She did as he told her to do - this was obvious.

I wasn't watching this couple. I was seeing them because they stood on line in front of me.

And as I stood there waiting for the line to move, I wondered if there was anyway this could be a "real couple" and was this "real love" because the way I saw it, he was treating her like property.

The line crept along slowly and I began to form an opinion. This was not a "real couple" because of the way he looked and the way she looked, it was clear she was "mail order" from a catalog and therefore this could not be "real love" I reasoned as the line moved a few feet closer to the cashier.  But after they paid and were on their way, I snapped out of my "I'm-bored-waiting-on-line" thoughts.  What did I know about these people anyway?

I didn't know if they lived in the states, met and fell in love?  I didn't know if he had actually contacted her from a dating catalog or online interracial dating site?  And I certainly didn't know what constituted "real love" for the two of them.

I admit, based on the dynamics that played out on line, its still hard to imagine that it wasn't a "male order" companionship agreement.  Nonetheless, let's say she's not from the U.S. and he did contact her through a catalog service and they did meet and decide the connection between them is "real love" and worth becoming a "real couple" to create a life together; that would be all the "real love" that mattered - even for a "male order" relationship.

To be continued...