Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Crazy for Him

Hi Jo,

Well…I feel like I’ve gone and done “it” now…

Hope all is well in your world!

Me…well…as the saying goes…I’m hanging in there.

And I don’t particularly like that saying…because I want my life to be more than hanging in there.

So why say it…THIS time…

Why else…A man!

Me…this cool chica…crazy…goo-goo over a man?  Impossible! She says with indignation.

So…it’s sometime after 3am and sometime before 5am (I don’t want to look at the clock because it makes me sleepy in the morn – when I have to get up by 7 a.m.)

So here’s the long and short of it… (And of course with me – you know it will be more long than short..:)

Here it is...

I think I mentioned I thought it was time to get rid of …let go of "him."  Why…because it didn’t feel like he was fulfilling an ideal role in my life as a dating "partner".  What a word…"partner" for someone I’ve only been on a few dates with (although he said he wants to see more of me...ha ha...pun intended).

So I could name the things that were wrong with him…many of which could be summed up as…Not being polished enough

As if I'll ever be asked to an audience with The Queen of England or The President for that matter.  However, I feel I do have a certain etiquette about myself (how snobbish is that?).  Well not sure where he grew up (n Europe), but let’s just say I’m used to a man opening a door for me (how unimportant is that?)  And then there's the money thing…his job as a Landscaper – not an Architect - as he said he was trained – and thus - we never went on a real date in the six weeks we've been seeing each other.  And knowing he doesn't make a lot of money as a Landscaper – I would have been looking for the cheapest thing on the menu – never been in that situation before (and how important is that?). 

But last but not least, there’s the matter of the “boudoir” (is that the French spelling for bedroom?).  Anyway although we've only had two hot and heavy escapades, episodes, "experiences" in the back of his minivan…neither was ever very strong on the “heavy” part!  As they say…he just couldn’t “cut the mustard” (or in his case…he didn't have a "green thumb") yeah I know it's an awful pun.

So Johanna, let me try to wind it up/down...

He was set to visit my place finally; and actually I’ve been looking forward to this since we met.

He wants to come over and do movies together – alone – he and I in my place – alone - all intimate like…”us”…alone!  (huh?) 

Yes, I do want to see him…but…What? What? What?

My place is small and if he (or any man for that matter) is here…it’s going to be intimate –one way or another; (which speaks to the fact that I’ve only had two men in my place in 7 years - both men I was engaged to marry).

Thus, I start thinking, "Why haven’t I been to YOUR place Fean?  You've been saying you're going to clean it up for me so that I could visit you.  Well I’ve been in out of the city twice and back - and you've still not asked me over to your place.  But you want to come and make yourself at home in my place. 

I didn't like that idea.  So I got resentful and decided this would not work for me; I deserve better from a "partner" at this point in my life - I deserve better!

And let's not forget that "green thumb" thing (even he acknowledged in a brief – but straight-forward conversation), ”My friend takes THAT blue pill but we Europeans don’t believe in that because even if nature doesn't work, there are other ways…but not a pill,” he said proudly. 

Well dog-gone it!  What are the other ways Fean?  And when do you plan to put them in action!”  (I thought, but of course I didn’t say any of that).

But guess what Johanna...I never gave him a chance to answer - literally or figuratively.  I called off the date. Wrote a nice “Dear John” email, saying “You’re nice and all. but we’re in different places…want different things…a different relationship… blah…blah...blah” -  and then I avoided his calls. It was over - at least for me.  I was cured.  Case closed on (or so I thought).

And then he wrote me back a few emails.  "What are you talking about?  You have not given me a chance to get to know you. You are always so busy.  Since we met you are here…there…everywhere…busy! How could we even have a chance?” he proclaimed.


His response surprised me - a lot because I didn’t think he cared as he said in his email (and in fact the last phone call we had).  "I do care” and I want to spend more time with you, he stated genuinely.

Yeah…yeah…yeah…whatever, I thought when he said that.

But then after I listened to his voice mails, read a few of his emails (asking me to call him so we could talk) -  I started feeling strange and started thinking about him....hmmm...really thinking about him..

I didn’t like thinking about him and not knowing why I was thinking about him.  I didn’t like thinking about not laughing with him…didn’t like thinking about not listening to him talk about something like he knows everything… didn’t like thinking about what he might be doing…didn’t like thinking if he was online with someone…didn’t like thinking of never seeing him again…didn’t like the feeling of not being touched by him…didn’t like that I am now in MY PLACE and he's not here with me…didn’t like missing the sound of his funny European accent (wonder how I sound to him...LOL) short Jo… I didn’t like not being with him...even though I told him I didn't want to be with him (anymore).

Johanna - I'm crazy?

What was I thinking? What have I gone and done now? He’s a nice guy…sweet, funny, kind, pleasant, works (hard), offers to take me to the airport, offers to help me around the house, calls when he says he will, shows up when he says he will…and seems to be the loyal type (for what that’s worth in a non-committed-not-even-relationship-yet) kind of way…and Jo...I LIKED hima lot!

So what’s wrong with me Johanna?

Afraid of intimacy...there...I admitted.

To myself and God…and now to you.  Have been for a long time (and yes…I know the blah…blah…blah…Freudian/Jungian psychobabble reason(s) why).

So then I back-paddled.  I wrote him another, different kind of email. 

Hey…I still haven’t resolved ‘my stuff’ about us…but would like to move past it…try again.  Would you like to come over tonight?

Dang! was that an obvious move on my part...or what? Well, by now the damage is done - what do I have to loose?

He emails me back about an hour later, “Thank you for your sweet email.  I would like to do that, BUT…the timing is bad.  I need to concentrate on getting a job in my field now.  I think about you.  Be patient because I want to see you again."

Hump!  Hump!   Well!  Well!  Well! I thought…that puts me in the doghouse!  Guess he told me.

That was a week ago – and now it’s Saturday – early morning – and I’m laying (lying…one of those words) alone in MY bed…unable to sleep…thinking of him.  And truth be told, I've been thinking of him every night for a week now.  Missing…wishing him here (and not even in a sexual way…an intimate way…go "green thumb" required).

I’m lonely for him.  I miss him.  Feel like I made a mistake.  But I don’t believe in mistakes.  I believe things happen for reason - as they should according to the choices we make….divine order...destiny...some blah…blah…blah philosophical stuff like that.

So now what have I gone and done (to myself/against myself)?

Perhaps I just needed to write it out.  Or perhaps I needed a “willing” ear to hear me out.  Either way Jo, thanks for listening.


“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return.”   
 To be continued....


allways, peace

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Love is...

      "Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field.
I will meet you there."                               Jalal ad-Jalal ad-Din Rumi I am...inspired to "write on love" (again).

So, here's the story...

In a previous text discussed online dating, I had finally succumb to the technology of matchmaking.  That was a while back and I had since stopped using (checking) the site.  Then recently I returned to the site; I can't say why "now" I decided perhaps I was feeling alone (rarely do I feel lonely).  

So, I get back online with the dating site and its good...its fun...and I'm getting (seemingly) better "hits" (which I just realized is the online short cut for guys "hitting  on you") LOL.  So...I'm enjoying the attention, experience, the excitement of someone being interested in me (again).

It gets so good that I actually "connect' with one of the hits.  We start emailing, we start talking, texting - often, every morning, afternoon - during the day - at work - leaving work - in the evening - saying good night - and that was good we agree to meet...and here ladies and gents...guys and and where I find  the inspiration to "write on love" again...

When we finally meet up, I don't think either one of us was...well...let's say "excited' about who we were seeing in real time, in the flesh - in person.  Yes, there were pictures exchanged, but as I cautioned my "date" those pictures could be true or not true, old and or current, good or bad representations of who we look like in 'real life"...and I think after seeing me (each other) - my point was made clear.

Don't get me wrong, he wasn't terribly different from the picture - an "average" - nice looking guy one might say.  And I hope likewise - at the very least - I appeared an "average" - nice looking gal (to him).   

 Perhaps it was a telling sign that neither one of us mentioned the "you look like your post" element; we just began talking about finding each other there at the Starbucks - how the day had gone so far - and then "what should we do" - together - now that we've finally met.

Fast forward we agree to hang out together for the weekend.  We'll do the mall, walking around the city, do meals together and then go to his place (not my place because it was too far - and it was just more convenient not to go back and forth) but...STOP!

STOP because I want to get your undivided attention.

It is NOT advisable that you do this with someone you've just met, formed an email relationship with, only talked with on the phone - even if its been several weeks of talking, texting or  super Skype sessions because common sense tells one not to place one's self in harm's way - with someone you barely (don't really know).  And yet...and this is a big HOWEVER...we had already agreed if I felt comfortable enough...we could hang out at his place.  And I did feel comfortable with bells or sirens - loud or otherwise were going off, no uneasy heart feeling in the pit of my gut sense that said...RUN...get away as fast as possible...not even a twinge of "I don't like this guy" - so I did feel safe enough to hang out at his place.  HOWEVER...again...I caution one to think/feel/listen to your insides before doing something like this...and of course let someone know who/where/what about the date.  Now with all that said, let me get to the bottom line, the juicy part, the insight, the why I've come back to "write on love" ...

Turns out all that emailing, talking and texting about any and EVERYTHING was no replacement - or even facsimile for being close to someone - being in their presence - getting to know them...getting to know their thoughts, heart...their spirit.

Who knew!

Yes, we had a lot in common - but it turned out we were very different where I think it counts the the spirit.

I realized, came to understand, finally got the message that he wanted little to do with "spirit"  - of any kind.  As the discussion (mostly at my insistence) unfolded, unraveled, revealed it seems he confused "spirit" with religion - a topic we had talked, emailed and texted a lot about (and my heart I knew...early on this would make the difference how/if the relationship developed).

And yes, of course there were other signs we would not be suited/suitable for/to each other.

An early sign appeared before we even met as he began questioning me;  not just do you like vanilla or chocolate questions, instead his questions were more like interrogations.  Yes, I told him I completed college - but didn't care to give him the details so he could find me online in an old year book.  And when I gave him answers to his "questions"...he never seemed to like my answers.  It was as though he had a standard answer one should give to such a question - otherwise there was reason to doubt.  However, beyond anything it was the nit-picking and correcting...of all writing. No I'm not a perfect speller, sometimes don't know whether to use a the word "that"  or "which" and I even forget the damn "i" before "e" rule!  Yet, people have told me - often - that my writing...the content...the message had touched them, or the words I shared made a difference in their day...or that they could relate so deeply to what I had written.  In short, for any errors - apparently none were so glaring; because readers not only got the message - but appreciated it.  And why couldn't he...instead of nit-picking.  In fact, he never once told me what he thought of the content...the message...the spirit of any of the writings I shared with him...a BIG "No-No" in a writer's life.
Still, he had told me...nay warned me how much he did not want to be involved in/with religion.  And I got that.  I even agreed that religion was not a biggie for me, but declared...spirituality is important to/for/about me.  However, I don't think he got that part, in fact I know he didn't get that part about spirituality (or understand the difference).  

In short, for the purpose of this discussion:  I understand religion as doctrine; I embrace spirituality as "path to peace" to guide my life.

But guess what...even as a "path to peace" Internet-date-almost-could-be-my-new-long-term-relationship-partner-leading-to-marriage guy was not willing to be open to, consider, make peace with spirituality - as an option - opportunity - choice (one can make to be the best person she/he can be).  

Yes!  In his defense I must say I wanted to talk about the subject and wanted him to talk about the subject - which he had clearly stated he had no use for.  Nonetheless, at no time did I state, ask, request he accept any of my practices or beliefs or embrace spirituality as I understand it.

The fact is, this was a big sign.
And like other signs that pop up early in the "getting to know you stage" - all too often we choose to gloss over in the beginning in the hope that we will find love. Still, although I don't want to jump ahead, its important to note/know that:  the person you are trying so hard not to see, will be the spitting image of the you will see...eventually. 

As things began to tigthen, it became clear - I realized (perhaps for the first time) it was important for that my partner have some form of spirituality; some guiding energy, force, faith assisting, supporting his ideals, choices and life path.  And there came "the" breakdown/break off/breaking point for possibility of a (continued/budding/developing) relationship -  intimate or otherwise because this guy would not...could not...did not want to date someone who had religion in their life...period!

The sad part is he did not  understand, would consider, did open his heart to see that it was never about religion for me (as I stated in my online dating profile...I don't do religion).

Admittedly this bothered me; an honest inside look would reveal - there could have been no long lasting intimate relationship with this man - who by his choice is without (a) faith.

And yet, waking this morning, alone...I discovered the even sadder part of that "date" weekend is that I was unable/unyielding/unwilling to "accept" that he could...would not...did not want to engage, consider, embrace anything that seemed or sounded like religion to him...not even spirituality.  

Sadly, as a person who has chosen a "spiritual path" - I did not catch myself in time to practice the ideal(s) which caution:  we all - each one - have the right to believe and practice or not practice a faith - and with that people...each of us can just be. 

In other words I fell short of  accepting him as he chose to be...without religion...without faith...without wanting any kind of spiritual he chose to be.

And although my general purpose (and most people's purpose) for online dating is to find a "good" partner; somewhere in the back of my mind, I hoped that anyone I made a "good connection" with might become a friend (even if not an intimate friend).
So please understand...I am not so saddened that I could not help him to see the benefits of a spiritual practice (or at least a faith) - that would have been a blessing.  However, what disappoints me is that by not accepting his choice - I may have missed an opportunity to be "in the spirit" of acceptance.

This then is the  bottom line, the juicy part, the insight for why I  blog "write on love"...

Below is a quote on accepting others by Anne Morrow Lindbergh which says in a few words what I wanted to blog, needed to say, was inspired to..."write on love"... 

The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what it was, nor forward to what it might be, but living in the present and accepting it as it is now.

To be continued...