Saturday, May 6, 2017

Sleepless in the Big City...a movie


I couldn't sleep.


It must have been 2:30am (it could have been a weekend - but most likely a week night).

I had long since stopped looking at the clock during the middle of the night because in the morning I berate and beat myself up because I didn't get to sleep "on time" - whatever that meant.

You see I never believed in 9-5; so even before I left I high school I stopped wearing a watch (this was pre-celly - so no  - I didn't have my cell phone to keep up with the time).  Instead, the one thing I always believed I had control over was - my time.

Nor did it mean I set my own hours at a job, or showed up at the airport when I was ready to catch the plane, and it certainly didn't mean I had control over my life or death time.  For me to be in control of "my time" was to not be a slave to time; I believed I would get there on time, be there on time, show up on time - not by magic...but...well...serendipitously is as close as I can  explain.  Anyway - I digress.

I was talking about not being able to go to sleep...again.

To my dismay, this "routine" has been going on for several years now.  Yes, of course I checked the obvious things to find out what was happening; too much coffee, too much wine (or not enough wine...LOL...after all these days two glasses is proven to be "good for you").  Still, I knew alcohol consumption close to bedtime could be disruptive; truth be told this wasn't even a real consideration since my wine consumption had widdled down to 1 or 2 social drinks a month.  So after doing my own "check up" to try to figure out what was causing my many sleepless nights, I decided it was time to check in with a doctor.  (This in line with the logic that a complete stranger can look down my throat, peep into my ear and put a cold metal thing against my body and diagnose my most perplexing life issue all in 6 - 15 minutes; although spent the last...40...ummmh...something years with me and didn't know {okay - yes - if you haven't figured it out yet - I am a bit of a smart-alec;]).

Certainly there are times, mainly times when medical science can tell us more about our health than, intuitive science (oxymoron). In this case, physically I was fine.  The doctor couldn't find anything wrong with me...except maybe the fact that now I'm at "that" age and "these things" happen as we get older...yadadada.  And course for women "getting older" symptoms seemingly manifest in bigger bolder way (ha ha ha).  So there wasn't anything wrong physically that warranted me not being able to go to sleep before 2:00am (usually  up at 7:00am).  Moreover, there wasn't any psychological stress; no more than the "average" person who has to pay mortgage, student loans and try to squeeze a couple dollars out of a paycheck for food and a little fun.  However, I must admit even before the doctor's visit, I was sure I knew what was "wrong with me" and perhaps I didn't want it to be that simple (usually the truth is pretty simple").    Truth be told...I knew...I knew very well...and I had known for years.  What was "wrong with me"...simply put:

I was tired.

Yep...tired; so tired I couldn't get to sleep or sleep well.  However, this wasn't just any kind of tired...I was tired of being tired.  Yep.  I had actually known that I was tired for more than a decade...more than 10 years...that's a 70 years in a dog's life...almost a lifetime I'd known what was causing my sleepless nights (if only my sleepless night would be me my dream man like in that movie - another essay). Anyway, it's interesting I'd known my "Sleepless in the Big City" could be resolved (solved) by simple means.

So what to do...about being so tired?

A lot of things come to mind... exercise (more), train to run a marathon, take daring, exhilarating course in scuba diving, ecetra, ecetra.

Honestly - for me being tired (bored) usually amounts to not attending or pursuing my passion....drum roll....writing.  Surprise....surprise?!

Every one of us needs a passion.  Never mind all the studies that say in our older years -  our passion - something we love to about deeply...the thing that motivates us to make the effort is the thing that will not only help keep our mind sharp, it will also help keep our body and spirit in balance.

Maybe a spiritual (religious affiliation), painting, a love of gardening, or the fact that you can tinker around in your garage for hours and never tire.  Or perhaps its mastering crossword puzzles, creating collages online, baking, weightlifting - whatever may be your passion - the point is..."do it" - always. Because a life without passion is not only boring, its unproductive and tiring and you get tired if you don't do something you love.

(I feel compelled to note I didn't include being a parent/wife/husband or intimate partner to be a passion.  Certainly, we are passionate about these very personal and close to the heart aspects of our life.  However, I 'm inclined to understand a passion is something  we do for ourselves, something that focuses you on your own joy of... (yes I suppose one can say volunteering to teach reading or math at your local school of overcrowded students and overworked teachers counts as "your" passion). Ok...perhaps.

Still my point - what I'm reminding myself - is that its not only important for good balance - its necessary for good health to be about that which satisfies, gratifies and keeps the mind, body and spirit actively engaged in my passion.

So it might me said, the answer for my "Sleepless in the Big City" movie plot isn't a dream man, but rather following my dreams, doing and being about my passion.